Ha-Ha's from a terminal cancer patient. Really.
Someone posted to the net this church reader-board:
FREE FAMILY EVENT
ANAL EASTER EGG HUNT
Ummm…yeah, I’ll take a pass on those. But later in the day when I was in one of my spastic housecleaning modes, being mocked for same by my daughter, I scolded her: “Now, you shouldn’t make fun, because annual people like me can’t help our tendencies.”
Leave a CommentMaybe six times over 40 years, we’ve had incursions of warmth-seeking mice from the park next door in late autumn. If they’re lucky, I catch them before the cats do. Once I devised my own clever humane trap which actually worked, but usually it turns out the mice are smarter than I am. For instance, I was sweeping leaves from the front porch when I wondered why a plastic bag by the column was wriggling and dancing. I intelligently opened wide the bag to be shocked by a mouse frisking about in the birdseed I was throwing away; he leapt out of the bag[1], almost hitting me in the nose, and ran straight for the open door of the house. Crap. What did I think would happen if I left a bag of birdseed on the porch?!
[1] A common house mouse can run as fast as 7.5 to 8 mph, or cover 12’ in one second. Such speeds would be equivalent to a 5-foot 10-inch human being running more than 160 mph.
A domestic cat can run up to 30 mph in a short spurt. [from the internet]
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J. was my BFF from early childhood until we set off to different high schools. She was so nice, sweet and compliant that she let me Tom-Sawyer her into helping wash dishes at our house – after already doing the same at her house. C’mon, who the hell wants to wash endless pieces of silverware? We should ban it and switch to disposable chopsticks…never mind, the Chinese and Japanese are undermining the environment because throw-away ‘sticks waste so many trees.
Come to think of it, I can’t recall ONE TIME that J. was anything but super-nice. I DO remember my own, older siblings opening the back door on several occasions to yell, “CECILIA, QUIT BOSSING THOSE KIDS AROUND,” so maybe I was a mini-bitch. But…who’s nice all the time – it just isn’t natural. J. was the only brunette of five children. Maybe she came from a pod.
The kids were all girls except JP, most memorable because his was my first sighting of (gasp) the MALE MEMBER when he decided to take a leak from the backyard storage building instead of going (ha) inside their house.
Leave a CommentHoly MF GD sumbitch – not only is it three below, it’s heading down to TWENTY below! And that is the extent of the vulgar side of my vocabulary; we never touched on curse words in all my years of English, Latin, medical and legal terminology, etc. Just “being gross” is something my daughter deals out to me a couple times of week, sounding like a locker room of third-grade boys. She’s never BEEN a third-grade boy but apparently inherited this trait from her father. He would go on a “crude binge” now and then just to laugh at me covering my ears, hugging my guts to keep them from falling out, and pleading, “STOP!”
Leave a Comment“Shall I dine on the eyes?”
Says one cat to another
“Not if I get there first,”
Says the second to his brother
As they wait for me to die
And so do I
So do I
“Two of you there are
And two eyes, too,” says Daphne
“But your turns to dine
“Are long after mine;
“I need no plate
“And though half your weight
“My glare will scythe, not graze you”
The males were fair to fear her
So took places in the line
All six eyes, leveled at mine
For they three had then all the time
To wait, then dine
As they wait for me to die
And so do I
So do I
Leave a CommentI always have my dictionary at hand when reading, especially books by my favorite authors, Preston & Child. Curiously (particularly since the novel is Cabinet of Curiosities), one morning I had to look up two words with Biblical connections: jeroboam, which is “an oversize wine bottle” whose name derives from an ancient Israeli king; and onanism, meaning “masturbation” and deriving from a man named in Genesis. Jeez. What a thing to be remembered for.
Leave a Comment“My kingdom for a piece of arse!”
Really, Bill…and Bill…you had so much, including an actual kingdom, and threw it away for a little foreplay. One of you apparently even employed rape. Nowadays “they” say rape actually is about sex, rather than power or abuse, but anyone who’s ever spent an evening in a bar knows that’s bullshit. Just hang around the pond long enough and somebody will take the bait.
My favorite Sex-in-the-Senate story involved the Republican whose cronies, while in the process of trying to impeach Bill Clinton, publicly applauded his confession of marital infidelity. “Because he’s being honest,” the ‘pubes decried.
“Because after years of cheating, he was days away from public exposure,” I say.
Can’t remember his name, but who cares.
1 CommentThe above question could constitute argument against the existence of a Grand Designer. What are fleas – or head lice – here for? They don’t appear to fit into the food chain anywhere. All they do is annoy the hell out of humans and, in the case of fleas, our animal superiors.
On the other hand, maybe fleas prove there IS a deity, and that he has one vicious sense of humor.
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